What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
You Might Also Like
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.