What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
im all 3
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.