what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
You Might Also Like
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.