what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Always
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
