what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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2022: I can fix it
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
sweet dreams💖
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.