what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit