Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

much to think about

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower