Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.