“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
And then there were 4
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Love it! 👍😂
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet