Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

WTF

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?