“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.