What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.