What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.