What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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Single and childfree like Jesus
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
everyone’s a critic
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.