What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
You Might Also Like
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.