What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.