What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Breaking news:
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”