Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I feel it
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards