Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Can confirm.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.