My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….