Maybe Aliens donât visit us because theyâre all women & they want us to make the first move. đ
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Whereâs Waldo.
I thought I saw a spider on the floorâŚTurns out it was a paper clip.
Itâs dead now.
No need to panic.
pirate: walk the plank
someoneâs dad: is this teak?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
by practically any metric, ashleyâs first day was going rather poorly
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the âHog Ridersâ meeting?
Me: *sighs* PointlessâŚthis one was for motorcycles too.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsayâs. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, âWith a knife?â
Donât worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
All Iâm saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say âSee? Thatâs why Iâm gay.â
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
âI was boredâ -Me explaining most of the things I do.
One of my children is crying because we donât have a third floor in our house.
We also donât have a second floor.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Accidentally feng shuiâd tonight when everybody wang chunged and Iâve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I donât have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on themâŚlipstick melts.
ME [Puts up âHave u seen my dog?â posters across town]
HER: Oh no! Youâve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. Heâs awesome
â Will you donate your organs when you die?
â No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he livedâŚ
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. Iâll be on a short leash though so I wonât run off into the woods like last time.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
Weâre so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, weâll wait.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure youâre not a donut?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, thatâs sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isnât that a greater tragedy?
canât imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.