what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.


I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.


Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.


Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.


New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.


Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”


16: Our teachers won’t let us charge our phones. Even if we’re on 1%. It’s not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.