@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

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@PleaseBeGneiss

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

@copymama

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@MamaFizzles

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

@GoldenSpirals

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

@suntzufuntzu

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

@DvuslyMarvelous

Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@UGotMeRight

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.