God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.
No weirdos please.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.