what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance