What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.