Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Split the bill

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣