Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Cold.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.