What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You Might Also Like
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.