Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.