What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
BRO LMFAO
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.