Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Hotels are back

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Bless you