What if all the cashiers are married?
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.