Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Why font matters.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car