What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
You Might Also Like
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*pronounces patio like ratio
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Camel dough
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks