what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
You Might Also Like
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”