what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Seems a bit forward
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.