@cloudypianos

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

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@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@daddydoubts

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@Reverend_Scott

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@NotJPo

“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control

@colonel_trilL

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

@DaddyJew

7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us

@Scriblit

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

@patnspankme

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.