what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked


My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.


[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.


Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal


“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control


Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”


7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us


Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.


Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.