what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.