Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.