“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
You Might Also Like
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]