What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.