What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

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Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.


WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?


*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*


Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.


Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh





Me: yep


My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with