@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

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@holypurgatory

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

@thedad

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

@knot_eye

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

@funflaps

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@rysox80

Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not