How to get laid:
Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That’s literally it
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with