What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
![]()
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.