Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

A short story of betrayal:

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’