What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I’m calling the cops.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.