What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.