What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
linkedin the good parts
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”