Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.