What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit