What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Don’t touch that.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
i choose….tongue
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!