What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
How tf did it end up there?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard