What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
