What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
