What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
