What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Saw online –
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
the short answer to this question
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.