What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
my nickname in college
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.