What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Voting is the worst group project
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.