Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time