What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
You Might Also Like
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.