Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it