What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
#SaturdayBears
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
