What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
5 ways to appear taller
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
