Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
You Might Also Like
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
😅🤣😂
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”