Him: Tell me about yourself.
What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.
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Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.
Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?
[taking my son to band practice]
me: kids really make fun of you for this?
son: yeah they think your band sucks