@markleggett

What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.

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@Momfia

Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.

@handsock_butts

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

@PetrickSara

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@robfee

Families in horror movies: *A ghost eats the dog* Hmm probably just the wind.

Me at night: *floor creaks*THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED BURN IT DOWN

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@stuartfiddle

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

@samalmightysam

Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?

@daemonic3

[taking my son to band practice]

me: kids really make fun of you for this?

son: yeah they think your band sucks