@markleggett

What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.

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@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

@sonictyrant

doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?

@weinerdog4life

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

@anniemalistics

My millet seed brings all the birds to the yard and they’re like
CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW

@joejwest

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

@briangaar

Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.

@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

@LlamaInaTux

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried