Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Wow 🤣

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

much to think about

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.