Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos
me: do you have any tattoos?
me: so you won’t be in hell?
me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls
Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.