What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes