What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.