Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.