What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.