What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.