what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My background check bounced.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends