what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.