What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.