Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.