What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”